A Better Place Page 6

  Brendan

  I’d taken the first step, and it made me so nervous I thought I’d hurl. I had butterflies in my stomach as I sat and talked with Casper as we had ice cream. I don’t think that boy had any idea of how cute he was. He seemed totally unaware of his good looks. As we sat there, I wanted to reach out and take his hand, but I was afraid. Just asking him out for ice cream was a major step for me.

  I stiffened for just a moment when some kids from school walked in, like I thought they’d know I was working up the courage to put the moves on Casper. I relaxed almost immediately, however. All we were doing was eating and talking. It’s not like I had my arm around him or anything. It did make me think twice about what I was doing. I’d decided to approach Casper because he seemed approachable. He seemed like he might be interested. I didn’t really know much about him, so it was still a risk. My greatest fear was being outed. I could just imagine what would happen if word got out that I was gay. The school paper would probably run the headline BRENDAN BREWER IS A HOMO. Okay, maybe not, but whatever did happen would be just as bad, or worse.

  As Casper and I parted, I felt a tug at my heart. I hadn’t just approached him because I thought he might be safe. There was a lot more there. I felt something for Casper. I cared about him. I had a crush on him. I couldn’t think of much besides being with him. I was scared, but I wanted to go on. In fact, I didn’t see how I could do anything else besides proceed.

  I made sure to sit near Casper every day at lunch. I tried not to be obvious about my interest in him, but I wanted to keep our relationship, such as it was, going. I had to keep from looking at him too much. When I looked at Casper, I felt a hunger within me. It was part emotional, part physical. I wanted to take Casper in my arms and hold him close. I wanted to kiss him, make love to him. It wasn’t just sex either. Sure, I wanted sex, what boy didn’t? But I wanted

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  something more. I dreamed about just being with Casper, talking with him, laughing with him. I had it bad for him in every way imaginable. I was terrified at the prospect, but I wanted to get closer to Casper. I knew what a dangerous risk that could be, but my heart, and my body, ached for him. I felt like I’d waited forever to be with another boy and I just couldn’t wait another minute. I felt like I was going to explode.

  Another dance was scheduled for Friday night and I wanted to go with Casper. I couldn’t take him as my date of course, but I wanted him there so that we could talk and spend time together. If I could work up the courage, maybe I could even approach him after the dance. Maybe something would happen between us.

  I caught up with Casper after school. I had a few minutes before football practice.

  “Hey, uh, Casper, are you going to the dance on Friday?”

  “Um, well, I don’t really know. I hadn’t thought about it much.”

  “I’d like you to go.”

  “Why?”

  I practically froze. It was a lot harder approaching the subject that I’d thought, and that was saying something because I expected it to be hard. I should have just told him right then and there that I was interested in him, but I was too big of a chicken-shit. It was just too risky, too frightening. So instead, I lied to him.

  “Well, uh, there’s this girl. I really like her, but she’s doesn’t want to go out with me.”

  “I can’t imagine any girl not wanting to go out with you,” said Casper. I smiled.

  “Well, uh, she seems to think I have a reputation. She doesn’t want to go alone with me. I was thinking though, if we could double date, then maybe she’d go with me.”

  “I see.”

  “So would you like to go? I’d really appreciate it.”

  “I don’t know who I’d take. I don’t have a girl.”

  “How about Stacey? You were with her at the last dance. She your girlfriend?”

  “Well, maybe. She’s not my girlfriend. We’re just friends.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. I don’t know what I would’ve done if Casper had told me that Stacey was his girlfriend. It would have broken my heart. As the words had come out of my mouth to ask him, I realized just how much it would hurt if she was his girl.

  “Could you ask her?”

  “I’ll ask,” said Casper, “Just for you.” He smiled at me. It made my heart melt. I had it bad for that boy.

  The dance was all I could think about that entire week. Casper told me the next day that he’d asked Stacey and they could go. I asked Jennifer Atkins out and she immediately said “yes.” I felt kind of bad, like I was using her. I really wasn’t interested in her. Then again, I wasn’t interested in any of the girls that I dated. I just did it so no one would suspect I was gay. The girls I took out always seemed to have fun. I was always nice to them, and showed them a good time. I guess I did use them in a way, but it was just a date. It wasn’t like I was promising to marry them or something.

  Friday evening finally arrived. I picked up Jennifer, but was hardly aware of her presence. My thoughts were on Casper and what might happen after the dance. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to do, but I wanted to let Casper know that I liked him, a lot. I didn’t know if I could go through with it. I was so nervous I was actually shaking. Even Jennifer noticed that I was edgy.

  We picked up Casper and Stacey at Stacey’s house. Casper was looking very sharp. He was wearing the same clothes he did to the last dance. I didn’t care what he wore. Casper was cute in anything. I realized as I looked at him that not only did I not care how he was dressed, I didn’t even care what he looked like. I liked Casper for Casper, and not his looks. I was first drawn to him because he was cute, and possibly available, but my feelings had already grown past mere lust. Sure, the lust was still there, I was seventeen after all, but there was far more involved than there had been the first time I laid eyes on him.

  It was only a short drive to the high school, but it gave the impression of a double date. I wanted to continue the impression that Jennifer wanted others close because of my “reputation.” Actually, I didn’t even have a reputation for pawing girls, although I’m sure a few did suspect I might be that kind of guy. Over the years I’d let rumors start, and grow. It helped me to remain hidden.

  I felt kind of lousy for lying to Casper, but I was sure he would understand. The path I was treading was so terrifying that I had to take things one step at a time. If I didn’t, I’d never make it. I wasn’t so sure I was going to make it in any case. I’d had butterflies in my stomach many times in my life, but now I felt like I had pigeons or doves flying around in there. I was afraid I was going to be sick.

  We hit the dance floor almost as soon as we got there. I loved to dance and it helped put me at ease. I tried to just lose myself in the movement, and the music. The dance was a familiar and comfortable environment for me. I was surrounded by friends and teammates. I was popular, even admired, and envied. It was my turf. Still, I wasn’t completely at ease. I couldn’t get my mind off Casper, or what I wanted from him. I guess I didn’t really want to get my mind off him. I just wanted my nerves to calm down. I’d never been so nervous about anything in all my life.

  “I’m really glad you asked me out,” said Jennifer as we danced.

  “Well, you seem like a fun girl.”

  “I can be a whole lot of fun, Brendan.” She reached out and touched my chest as she said it. That, and her tone of voice, left no doubt as to her meaning. Suddenly, I was nervous for a whole new reason.

  I looked into Jennifer’s eyes and saw the look there that I’d come to recognize, and fear. I’d never been out with Jennifer before, but I’d seen that look in more than one girl’s eyes. Some of the guys complained that girls never wanted to do anything, but I didn’t have that problem. I wished I did. It was another way that I could be exposed. I never dated the same girl for very long because I was afraid she’d start talking about how I never tried anything with her. I generally didn’t date any girl for more than two or three weeks. A month was the absolute cut of
f point. It was just too dangerous to go beyond that. They were usually happy with a kiss now and then, especially if it were deep and long. I didn’t mind kissing girls. I liked to kiss. It was sexy. I was glad that I didn’t have some kind of aversion to it; otherwise my life would’ve been much more difficult. Making out with girls was like camouflage, it kept my gayness well hidden.

  I looked at Casper dancing with Stacey. I gazed at his beautiful red lips. I wanted to kiss him so bad I could taste him. My situation would have been funny if it weren’t so frustrating. I was dancing with a girl that would let me kiss her any time I wanted. I had the feeling Jennifer would let me do anything I wanted, period. I didn’t want anything with her, however. I wanted Casper. I wanted a boy who might not even be interested in boys. I wanted someone who might be disgusted by my desires. That thought made me more uneasy. I wasn’t at all sure if I could let Casper know how I felt about him.

  I gazed at Casper as I danced. I looked at him with longing. I felt something for him, and it felt a lot like love. I had a crush on him at the very least. I thought more about how I felt about Casper. Yes, it was love. I did love him. The more I thought about it, the more certain I became.

  The next dance was a slow one and Jennifer pressed herself hard against me. I took her in my arms and held her close. I gazed at Casper yet more as I danced with Jennifer. He was so beautiful he made my heart ache. I fell into a daydream. I imagined that I was dancing with him instead of Jennifer. I imagined that he was pressing his firm little body against my own. The thoughts began to excite me. The bulge in my jeans made my arousal obvious. Jennifer looked into my eyes deeply, giving me the look that frightened me. She held my eyes with hers as she ran her hand over the front of my jeans. I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, she was still looking at me, still pressing her hand against the front of my jeans. She kept it there for a few more agonizing moments.

  I swallowed hard and tried not to think about Casper anymore. Jennifer was getting the wrong idea about me. There would be no dating her for a month. I wasn’t sure it would be safe to ever date her again. I wasn’t even sure if it was safe to have this one date with her. I was afraid she was expecting a lot more from me than she was going to get. Any other boy would have been beside himself with excitement and lust. I felt faintly nauseated. I hoped that I could get through my night with Jennifer gracefully, without giving my secret away. Girls like her were dangerous.

  My mind was only partly on my fear of Jennifer. It was much more on Casper. I kept stealing glances of him as we each danced with our girls. I was glad we were friends. He wouldn’t think anything unusual about me looking at him since we were friends. I almost laughed at myself. I was planning on telling Casper how I felt about him after the dance, but I was still busy protecting my secret, as if I’d never reveal it to anyone. Old habits died hard. For a long time, I’d been hiding the real me. I’d never been sure that I’d ever reveal the real Brendan, that I’d ever let anyone see me as I truly was. I knew that my secret could destroy me.

  I wondered how many boys I’d looked at with longing while trying desperately to hide what I was feeling inside. How many times had I gazed into another boy’s eyes, hoping to find someone like me? My stomach churned. The day that I would reveal myself had come at last. Casper was the one. I’d show him the real me. I prayed that I was right about him. I prayed that his feelings were the same as my own. I don’t think I’d ever been so terrified before in my entire life.

  * * * I breathed a heavy sigh of relief as I let Jennifer out at her house. I’d survived the evening without having to spend even a moment alone with her. I thanked God that Casper and Stacey were there. Without them, the situation would have been awkward. I’d have found myself in the position of having to explain why I didn’t want to mess around with Jennifer. I know that’s what she wanted. I could tell by the way she looked at me, and by the way she acted. She was pretty free with her hands, even with Casper and Stacey right there in the car. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I was alone with her. I don’t know how I’d have gotten out of that situation gracefully. I pushed it from my mind. There was no reason to think about it. I was safe.

  I asked Casper to stay with me when I dropped Stacey off at her house. He seemed slightly uncomfortable with idea, although I’m not sure why. We drove around town while I worked up the courage to tell Casper that I liked him. The truth was, I loved him. I’d come to realize that my feelings for him were deeper than I thought. I didn’t just have a crush on Casper. I wasn’t just interested in getting into his pants. I felt something for him, and that something was love. He wasn’t just another boy that I lusted after. He was far, far more.

  Revealing my secret to Casper was about a million times harder than I thought it would be, and that was pretty amazing because it didn’t seem possible that it could be harder than I thought. I must have started to tell him fifty times as we drove around, but I didn’t have the balls to do it. Well, maybe it wasn’t fifty times, but it sure felt like it. I kept edging the conversation in that direction, but it was just too hard to speak the words.

  I pulled into the parking lot by the park. I’d practically run off the road a couple of times because I was so busy thinking about Casper, and trying to work up the courage to tell him what was on my mind. I thought it best to park the car. There were a lot of other kids parked there too. It was a hang out place for everyone on Friday and Saturday nights.

  We sat and watched cars cruising by on the street. I knew just about everyone in those cars. It was a warm night, so I had the top down on the convertible and we could hear the radios in the passing cars and guys calling to each other. I didn’t pay much attention to any of that. I was far too absorbed in what I had to tell Casper.

  I was trembling and my voice shook a little. I’d never before experienced such nervousness. I wanted more than anything to just run away, but this was far too important to me. I knew I had to go through with what I’d planned. Putting it off would only prolong the torment. Procrastinating would only serve to keep me isolated and alone. I turned to Casper, and looked into his eyes.

  “Casper, I really like spending time with you.” It wasn’t quite what I’d meant to say, but it was a start. I wanted to be cool about the whole thing, but I knew that was beyond me. I’d just have to stumble through it.

  “Spending time with you is really cool,” said Casper. “You’re the best!” “You really mean that?”

  “Yeah, of course I do. I’ve never really had anyone to do stuff with before,

  you know? I don’t really have any friends, except Stacey, and it’s different with her.” Casper’s words were putting me at ease a bit. He obviously liked me. The expression on his face and the way his eyes lit up said even more than his words. I could tell that he meant what he said.

  “I’m glad we’ve become friends,” I said. “I hope we can become a lot closer friends.” My words were filled with far more meaning than they seemed. I had a feeling that Casper wasn’t getting that.

  “That would be great,” said Casper. There was a certain expectancy in his voice. He seemed to sense that I was going somewhere, but it was clear he didn’t know where I was going at all.

  I wanted to just take him in my arms, hold him close, and tell him I loved him. That was out of the question. Too many people could see us. Instead I moved a little closer to him. I ran my eyes over his body. Casper was small, compact, and firm. He was the cutest boy I’d ever seen in my life. I felt familiar urges and yearnings stir within me. It wasn’t just lust I felt as I looked at Casper. I loved him. I was in love with him. I don’t know how it had happened, but there it was. The love I felt fanned the flames of my passion into an inferno. I was trembling, with fear, love, and lust.

  I wanted to scream and run away. What I was experiencing was nearly too intense to bear. I plunged ahead. I knew that if I stopped, I’d never be able to go on. If I even slowed down, I’d never again be able to work up the courage to approach another bo
y. Casper wasn’t just any boy either. He was the one. I just knew it.

  I ran my hand onto Casper’s thigh and rubbed it back and forth. I was trembling, breathing hard. I think it would’ve been easier to jump to my death from a cliff. The amount of courage that it took to reach out and touch Casper was beyond belief. I didn’t dare stop, or even pause. I ran my hand over the front of his jeans; touching him in a place I’d never touched another boy.

  It was the biggest mistake of my entire life. Casper pushed me away with every ouch of force he could muster. He went nuts. He freaked out. He swung at me hard and fast with his fists, hitting me in the face and chest and stomach, anywhere and everywhere he could reach. He was screaming, yelling, shrieking, and crying. He was out of his mind with anger and fear. I could read both clearly in his eyes as he attacked me. He was like a cornered beast.

  “Get off me! Get off me!” he shrieked. “Get off me you fucking faggot! Get off me!”

  He clawed and climbed his way out of the car, punching and scratching and kicking me. He kept screaming at me in sheer anger and terror, calling me horrible names. His eyes were wild with terror, as if I were some crazed psycho trying to kill him. In moments he was out of the car, running as if for his life.

  I sat there in an absolute daze. Everyone was staring at me. I hadn’t paid them any attention until then. I was so shocked by Casper’s reaction that I wasn’t even aware of those around me. When I became aware, I wished I hadn’t. I’d created quite a scene. I turned the key in the ignition and tore out of the parking lot. I couldn’t stand everyone looking at me. I couldn’t stand what they might be thinking.

  I didn’t drive far. I was too upset. I knew if I kept going I’d ram the car into a telephone pole, perhaps on purpose. I pulled the car onto a side street and parked. I sat there, crying, breathing so hard I was hyperventilating. I was shaking with fear. More thoughts were racing through my head than I could handle. People had seen Casper freak out in my car. People had heard him call me a fag, over and over. And Casper, in my worst nightmares I’d never dreamed he would react like that. I knew he might reject me. I knew he might be upset, call me a fag even, perhaps slug me, but I never expected him to totally freak out right there in my car. I don’t think I’d have gotten a more violent reaction if I’d have pulled a knife on him and started slashing. I’d seen the look in his eyes. He looked like he feared for his life. He looked at me like I was going to rape and kill him. That look, I’d never forget it. It hurt me far more than his words, or the blows that he had rained down upon me.